Karrah

I completed another digital layout this morning, so thought I would tie it in with my message to my daughter. You can never know the joy that you brought into my life one cold December day almost 18 years ago. Your imagination and creativity, your way with words, your sense of humor has always amazed me. I know that my picture taking is very vexing at times, but I certainly appreciate your humoring me from time to time. You are so beautiful right now with your bloom barely unfurled. May you always trust yourself, you have great inner instinct. May you always believe in yourself even when the barriers seem incredible. And, may you always know what joy and laughter you bring to those around, how loveable you are, and how grateful your parents are that you are you.

Where Has the Summer Gone?

It seems like I ask this question around this time every year. How is it that it "suddenly" becomes September? The kids are back in school, fall is almost here, meaning certainly that summer is almost gone. I'm not really sure why I'm always surprised by September, summer is not shorter than any of the other seasons, yet it never seems quite long enough for all the projects, trips, gardening, photographing that I want to do.

In September I plan to devote my blog to paying homage to those special people in my life who give my life meaning, who gave me the strength to fight my cancer, who inspire me to keep looking forward to each new day.

I'm taking a digital scrapbook class from Jessica Sprague. I completed the first assignment this morning. I used a picture of Linda Beal Tyler from Pelican Lake this past summer. At first I tried to use a group shot but I couldn't get it cropped to the 4x4 format I needed for the layout, so I ended up using this one. We (friends from high school) have been getting together each summer since our 30th Reunion in 1999. We had planned to gather in Ames this summer, but we made some changes when Linda was enduring some work distress. We did the same last year when I had my operation for OvCa a few days before our planned August get together. Our reunions are times of great joy for me. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful women in my life. This picture of Behi on one of our "magical" pontoon rides with Chuck at the helm more or less says it all. Not a worry in the world. Peace, camaraderie, caught up in the beauty of the moment----it was all ours. I will relive that moment everytime I look at this LO. Thank you Jane and Chuck for sharing this special part of your world with us. Thank you Patrick and Linda for making the drive. Thank you, Dot, for being there and being my roommate, if not my bed mate!!

Reflecting on the Past Year and Now

First off, as I re-read my second post on my blog about getting "the call" I realize how upset I sounded with the Dr.'s office who would not respond to my many phone calls as to what my first tests actually showed. When I finally had my appointment with Dr. Kahn on that following Tuesday, she shared with me that a mass had indeed been seen and it could be ovarian cancer. Given my age and being postmenopausal, it was planned that my ovaries would be removed regardless of the cancer staging so the next order of business was to find a Dr. get a surgery date. Dr. Kahn apologized for my unreturned phone calls and basically gave me some instructions for how to get through directly to her, especially as I go through these next few weeks. She also stated that she never gives this kind of news to her patients over the phone. As hard as it was for me to wait through the week end, I respect her policy and have laid to rest my upset feelings over trying to get someone to talk to me.

Secondly, I am now 1 year, 2 days past the anniversary of my operation which removed my ovaries, fallopian tubes, omemtum, lynphnodes, cervix, and maybe a few other things I don't remember (what else is there?). My cancer marker blood tests have stayed very low for about 9 months and 6 months since chemo ended. I thought I was so looking forward to putting this cancer chapter behind me and allowing my life to get back to normal. Although I very much enjoy any experience that feels "normal" to me, I am starting to come to terms with "normal" having a little different slant since my diagnosis last summer. I believe firmly that I need to embrace all the good days that I have, that I need to count my blessings, friends, family, ability to work and contribute to a better world. At the same time, to say that I do not worry about a recurrence ever, would not be honest. Thankfully, I did some reading in "Coping with Cancer" last evening and it really did help me be more honest about accepting my feelings and at times, my fears, while still trying to be focused in a positive way. I found a quote that I will use for my mantra "Optimism is a form of courage." I choose to be optimistic about my future, but I am not blind to the possibilities. When anxiety gets the better of me, I hope to use yoga and meditation to get myself more centered.

Well, I said that this blog was going to be about the small things in life that give me pleasure, and this entry does not sound like I am going in that direction. There were some thoughts that I felt needed articulating and now I have done that. Cancer does not define me, but living with its aftermath, is my life and there is no denying that. That said, Life is Good, and I look forward to many more years of adventures!

Extraordinary......

I had to take some pictures of some of the prettiest lilies I have ever grown. It probably does not sound very humble of me to say that I think they are extraordinary. Then again, I've had an extra ordinary year so maybe it really all fits. All I know is that the colors in my flowers seem brighter, I'm actually enjoying the dirge of watering for 45 minutes each day; I'm reminded that it is a tremendous blessing that I am healthy and able to do this. As I approach the one year anniversary of my operation, this becomes even more poignant to me. Can't you almost smell that lily "perfume"? Love that scent.

Going Forward

Wow! What a year. Last year on July 9 I learned that I had a mass on my ovaries that could well be cancer. Shortly thereafter I had surgery and the diagnosis of OvCa was confirmed. My life became consumed with treating my cancer. Now, as I gain some distance on my last chemo, my life feels what I remember about my life before cancer. I do have to say, that there were quite a number of positives that I gained from my ordeal. I truly learned how blessed I am. I never would have imagined all the support, prayers, well wishes that would have been bestowed on my by many, many people in my world. I really did feel like I was wrapped in a cocoon of love and I will be forever grateful for every gift that came my way during this time. Going through chemo also made me really appreciate the good days, when everything was OK and the food tasted great. I will forever be grateful to all of the love and support that my friends, family, co-workers etc. gave me during this time.

From the start I decided that I was not going to waste any of the time when I'm feeling good by feeling bad about what might happen or being overcome with worry. Fortunately I have a very demanding job and there is little time to think of me while I'm working and I think that is a good thing and definitely helped me get through the chemo with very few days off.

I'm now returning to focus on the little things in my life that give me pleasure. As I type this I envision my beautiful, gorgeous lilies some of which have blooms 8 inches across. I'll be sharing these blooms with the world on my blog in the near future.

I leave for Montana this Saturday and won't be returning for a week. I'm combining some work with a visit with my sister. We are going to take a bike ride on the Hiawatha Trail. I am trying to document 58 things that I want to complete before my 58th birthday. This bike ride will have to be on the list. On a recent trip to my dear friend Jane's MN lake cabin, I tried tubing and jet skiing. I don't think I would be the poster child for NO FEAR but I did these things nevertheless.

Where Have I Been?

Actually, my inspiration for this post came from a very kind soul "Splat" who responded to my post about getting "The Call". I have now reviewed her entire Blog, "What Me, Worry" and just feel that this person must be my soul sister. So much of our experience has been so similar, our attitudes toward fighting the demon that has invaded us, even the "What Me, Worry" blog title. How could she know how Alfred E. Neuman and the great satirists and writers of MAD magazine, SNL, the Daily Show have profoundly affected my life in a more positive way than perhaps some of the best writers of ages. They made me laugh, laugh at me, at life and the ironies that are there everytime you turn around.

First off, Nat, I offer you the most heartfelt prayer that your current treatment (YAY no side effects!!) will shrink your mass and have you dancing in the streets this Spring/Summer. Although Des Moines Break the Silence walk does not happen until May 9th, I will be thinking of you this week end as you go on yours. Please think of me and my team---Team "Get her done!!!" on the 9th.

I especially love SPRING this year, like no other year. I have always loved spring since I have a May birthday and it meant presents and parties when I was a small fry, but this year everything seemed to be in technicolor----unbelieveably beautiful. I think it was partially due to the HORRIDLY long winter that Iowa endured this year, but also due to the gloom that recurrent chemotherapy sprinkled throughout my life. Last week when I was driving by the Waveland Golf Course, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of PROFOUND JOY that I was alive and could experience this day----the golf course was a color of green that we don't usually find in nature's palette. Like in the Wizard of Oz when the movie goes from Black and White to Technicolor, I thought I was there, in the World of Oz, magically lucky to be alive.

I have Oriental Poppies to plant, glasses of wine to be drunk, gastronomic feasts to be savored, photographs to be taken, soccer games to watch and Life to be Enjoyed. God Bless All, and may each day be a special day for all of you.

Getting "The Call" and the Aftermath

It happened on the afternoon of Thursday, July 5 on a day I just happened to have off from work. All of a sudden I was talking to Sherri Stone, the nurse practitioner who had run some tests on me the previous Friday when I has seen for some abdominal complaints etc. She conducted a pelvic exam, smear, took some blood, and a urine speciman. "The CAll" revealed that the markers in my blood indicated some type of ovarian abnormality, possibly cancer. Understandably, I have not felt the same since and the last couple of days have been a blur. Fortunately, I did not have to work on Friday, as a 7 AM CT scan was scheduled. A couple of hours later, the test completed, I learned from the tech that the results should be available by the end of the day for my Dr. In turn, she could share the info with me. The tech was very compassionate and understanding. Not so, with Dr. Kahn's nurse, Shelly. She was short and harried with my request, implying that in the big scheme of things my situation did not rate very highly, and the Dr.'s return from vacation would almost assuredly prevent any attention being paid to me. Shelly called me at 2 to say they had not received the results so just come Tuesday and don't expect any further follow up. I did ask if they were quitting for the day, she indicated that they were not done for the day, but "done" with me so to speak. I called radiology at 3 and they said their transcript was completed and they would fax it over to Dr. Kahn's office immediately. I called the office 15 minutes later and asked the front office to make sure the fax made it to Dr. Kahn and did not get routed to Dr. Shires as his name was errantly listed as my Dr. somewhere in the paperwork. They could not confirm that fax had been received but would alert the folks working in the back (Shelly and Dr. Kahn) that it had arrived and I would like to be called on my cell. No call. I held my cell phone in my hand as I drove to Ames for a scrap get together with the Ames women. No attempt, no call.

On Saturday AM while I was out, I received a call from Sophia in Dr. Kahn's office that the fax had been received. She wanted to confirm the fax is to go to Dr. Kahn. Then explained again why I was so anxious to hear something. She indicated she would see that Dr. Kahn gets the report and be alerted to what I feel is some urgency on my part to know the results of the test. Again, I waited. John and I went out to eat with Julie, Patrick, and Ruth. I held my phone in my hand waiting for that call that never came. My phone rang twice, but it was Derek just checking on some parent stuff which was fine.

I became very anxious today after talking to Sophia and potentially hearing for the first time what is wrong with me. Questions racing through my mind are, is my prognosis so bad that everyone is afraid to talk to me over the phone? I guess that is where I landed. I did some research on the WEB when we returned from lunch. Although I had looked at information on ovarian cancer on Thursday, today I looked closely at the different stages. Given my symptoms, I think I'm likely not Stage 1, but hope that I am Stage 2, not a guaranteed survival rate but better than Stages 3 and 4. I want to go to the Scrapbook Convention in Minneapolis with friends next week end. But obviously if I have surgery in the near future, that trip may not happen, nor the trip to Chicago to see Crossroads 2 with the family at the end of the month. I'm getting together with my high school buddies in Ames in early August. All of these gatherings are very important to me, but my treatment plan will have to trump all else this July.

Thoughts that ran through my mind as I photographed one of my beautiful lilies the other days centered around my mortality. Why do I feel so good when I have a potentially life threatening condition? Understanding that there can be false positives should give me hope, but I do feel that I have some symptoms that are abnormal for me that can be explained by a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. So there you have it, the expectation that something is wrong. The hope that it is treatable. The desire to see my children graduate from high school, the desire to reach retirement age and see a country or two, the desire to wake up each morning feeling at the top of my game, confident and looking forward to each day. So much uncertainty, so many unknowns. How will I be feeling next July 7th? Ironic that I started my blog in late June before "The Call" and that my blog is entitled "Life of Joy". I would not have it any other way. If indeed my life expectancy is compromised at this point, how much I have thankful for in the life I have lived.

I feel fairly well versed at this point with the different stages of ovarian cancer and the statistical outlook for favorable outcomes with each stage. I cannot continue processing this information until the tests are complete and I have the needed information. Just the facts, maam, forget the gobbledygook or double talk, just the facts are what I need at this point.

Who have I told?

Initially, I leaned toward not telling anyone, not John or anyone, thinking I would wait until I knew all there was to know on Tuesday, then I would let people know. I realized that was one way to go, but felt like talking about it to the degree that I'm able really would help me.

So my Mom just happened to call right after I got "The Call". I initially told her everything was fine, but ended up telling her about my test and follow up tests. She understands the seriousness. I was not emotional so my Mom was not emotional. I guess it still doesn't seem real so conversing on an intellectual level is my coping mechanism at this point.

John was late coming home from work. I finally called and asked when he was going to be home. Then, told him in the back yard with Layla. Again, I was not emotional, which I think helps those that I reveal my condition to. I told him there was no point in his accompanying me to either the CT scan or ultrasound because they won't share any information. He will go with me to my appt. with Dr. Kahn on Tuesday. I'm kind of fumbling around in my own little world right now. Watched "Derailed" and "My Best Friend's Wedding" the other day--good distractions.

I started to tell Karrah, but thought it was best to just say I was going through some important tests right now, I may be a little off the next few days. Karrah rarely shows a lot of emotion and this was no exception. what she is feeling and this was no exception.

I explained to Derek there was a suspicion that I may have cancer but we are in the process of doing some tests to know for sure. I said I would keep him posted. He looked at me attentively, but didn't say what he was thinking or ask questions.

It was a relief to get it over with to my immediate family---now it is wait and see.

I sent an e-mail to my high school buddies---Linda, Dot, and Janie. They all wrote back with their hopeful wishes and support. I can't wait to see them in early August.

I also called Ann Williams at work because I realized I would need to leave our alignment meeting early on Monday to have my ultrasound. Ann and I had had an in depth discussion of my symptoms before I saw Sherry, the nurse practitioner, the previous Friday. She herself had been seen for the same symptoms at one point so it was a comforting conversation to have. Also, she is on my alignment team so I felt like I could let her know about my need to leave early. I'm not really ready to have people at work know what I'm going through because I'm not ready to talk about it at work. After Tuesday, depending on the treatment, there will have to be a public reveal at some point, but I'm dreading that. Feeling like I'm a functioning contributing member of society is incredibly important to who I think I am and I dread having a lot of conversation about my ill health.

I had some work-related stresses going on this past Spring that occupied most of my time (several weeks my work day began at 7 AM and ended at 11 PM). Then in May and June I took the lead in the interview process, both devoting much of my time to the actual interview, but also taking a lead in the prep of getting rooms arranged for interviews and arranging for the video viewing prior to the interview. Having so much to focus on at work, and having such long days in March and April left me exhausted and without the energy I needed to focus on my physical self.

Well, life goes on. Time to water those lovelies, if the flowers live, so shall I.